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Hilarious comedy on this page
COMEDY 2
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff
when another man
with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at
the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there
is, I'll show you once we get airborne when I
put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,
"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few
seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts
one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns
to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's
arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying
cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up
and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.
He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the
aisle and the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell
is going on with this stupid dog?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a
bomb!"
A blind man went into a department store one day and took his dog by the tail
and started to swing him around in a circle. One of the clerks rushed up to
him and asked, "Can I help you sir?" The man answered him saying, "Oh, no
thank you...I'm just taking a look around."
Q: Why don't blind people ever go sky-diving?
A: It scares the heck out of the dogs.
Matt works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Matt! How ya doin?" His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Matt.
"He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Matt if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her. She's the waitress
from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Matt, starts
to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Matt. Want your usual table dance,
big boy?"
Matt's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Matt
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her. Matt tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is
screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in
the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Matt, you picked up a real bitch this
time."
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the
priest that
she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in
the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail
Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the
altar."
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I immediately turned around and walked back out and never went back!
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent
flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the
flowers, it said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist
said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry, you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers
with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one
of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life. The angel tells them,
"As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
off together
behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The
angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to
do it again?"
"Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.
A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods
looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any
sales experience?" The kid answered "Yeah, I was a
salesman back home." Well, the manager liked the kid,
so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he
got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down
and asked the kid "OK, so how many sales did you
make today?" The kid said "One." The manager
groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale
for?" The kid replied "£101,237.64."
The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What
the hell did you sell him?"
The kid said "Well, first I sold
him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told
him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the
4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a
guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and 4x4?" The kid said "No no no......he came in
here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I
said.........'Well, since your weekend's screwed up, you might
as well go fishing."
Martians
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars.
They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.
Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the
night.
Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped.
Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a very small member no more than
half-an-inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member
grew wider and wider.
"Wow!" she exclaimed.
They fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples joined their normal partners.
As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied.
"All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!
THE TOAST
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. "See," she
said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two
beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him
on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the
other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey,
what's that little green thing down there?" The green man runs down the bar
gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs
back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the
Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some
respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly.
They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is
really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he
says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry
again- SPLBLBLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that
leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts. "You
can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "How do they
pee, then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."
A.A.A.D.D.
Help - I can't remember what I was going to call
this item!
Thanks to John Rullman for this wry comment on what
too many of us probably suffer from! John thinks he
got it from Jim Perdue, the President of Markham
Park Pilots Association in Fort Lauderdale Florida,
USA, but I don't suppose he can really remember!
"Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age
Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it
manifest itself.
I usually check my e-mail about mid-morning. So, I
head for the computer in the study. Passing the
foyer, I remember I drove through a mud puddle and I
need to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I
notice that there is mail on the hall table. I
decide to go through the mail before washing the
car.
I put my car keys down on the table, put the junk
mail in the trash under the table and notice that
the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table to
take out the trash first, but then I say to to
myself, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when
I take out the trash anyway, I might as well pay the
bills first. I take my check book off the table and
see that there is only one check left. My extra
checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
desk where I find a bottle of Coke that I had been
drinking.
I'm about to look for my checks, but first I need to
push the Coke aside so that I wouldn't accidentally
knock it over. I notice the Coke is getting warm, so
I decide that I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.
I head towards the kitchen with the Coke. A vase of
flowers on the counter catches my eye - they needed
to be watered. As I put the Coke down on the
counter, I notice my reading glasses, which I've
been searching for all morning. I decide I had
better take them back to my desk, but first I must
water the flowers. I put the glasses back down on
the counter, fill a container with water when
suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone had left it
on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight, when
we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the
remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the
kitchen table, so I decide to take it back to the TV
room where it belongs, but first I must water the
flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it
spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back down
on the table to get some towels to wipe up the
spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember
why I'm going that way and what I was planning to
do.
Now it's the end of the day; the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of
Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't
watered, there is still only one check in my check
book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my
glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the
car keys.
I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day
long and now I'm really tired. I realize this is a
serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialled the wrong number and got a
private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?"
she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a
wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I
don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife
thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this
condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you
so long to come and see me?" asked the Doctor.
The man shrugs his
shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early
and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit
in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly,
at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away
from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one
man, who sits calmly in his pew. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the
man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yeah, sure
do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope,
sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're
doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help
with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're
short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says,
"You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both
now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three
inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and
sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the
bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter
down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy
runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down
and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's
amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says
"Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you
made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good
trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his
other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles,
and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he
asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free
drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no
trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny
piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins
to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his
beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer
to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The
stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man
finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the
money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have
been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't
worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You
see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see his
doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," complains the man.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" inquired the doctor.
The
accountant replied, "That's the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then spend
the next three hours trying to find it!"
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the
haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God’s work." The next morning
the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman
came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying,
"You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at
the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and
again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system." The
next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family
are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first
guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time,
and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that
I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them
say, "Look! He's moving!"
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