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CHILD RELATED COMEDY
(Jokes ABOUT children not FOR children)
A little
girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to
her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in
the toilet a few days ago.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and
comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "If the damned ice cream
truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was
deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me was screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized
that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." I repeated, "Danny, are
you
SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he
must
have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse... Soooooo, I
asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped
up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled:
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body
goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think
it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
"What a
wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs.
"The nun looked at him with a most perplexed expression on her face. "Now,
Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh
God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with
worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn
from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you
drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms.
A little boy came down to
breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his
chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother told him he couldn't have any breakfast until he did his chores.
Well, he was a little pissed, so he went to feed the chickens, and he kicked a
chicken. He went to feed the cows, and he kicked a cow. He went to feed the
pigs, and he kicked a pig.
He went back in for breakfast and his mother gave him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? "Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well, "his mother said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as
he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going
to tell him, or should I?
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving
further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile
of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God
is watching the apples.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be
to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the
room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
(((ring-g-g-g-g)))
(((ring-g-g-g-g))
***pick up***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy" .... "Is Mommy near
the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you
haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now!"
"Uhhh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do.
Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout
to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
up outside the house &
then come back to the phone."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back
to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed
with no clothes on and ran around screaming,
then she tripped over the rug and went flying
out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle
Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and
he was all scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he
hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? - Is this
642357?"
Little Patrick!
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $120,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the
front door with a suitcase, so he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and
heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $120,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!"
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was
praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart
attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy.
Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the
next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next
night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta,
Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to
the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he
finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God
you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch
this morning!"
Michael came home from school one day and walked
into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Michael,
what did you learn in school today?"
Michael replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and
vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped ,Michael hard. He ran
up to his room, crying. Michael's mother walked in and
cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Michael !?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned
in school today. He started talking about sex, and
penises, and masturbation!"
Michael's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn.
It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Michael, so she
went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his
bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating.
Without a blink, she said, "Michael, when you're finished
with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively
mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident
that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved
in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about
their sons' behaviour.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give
it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old
was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him
sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself
in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What
happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing
and they think we did it!"
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and
said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr.
Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first
president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George
Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who
freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said
Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president
during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me
neither’.”
Reasons Why Studying is Better than Sex:
1) You can usually find someone to do it with you.
2) If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
3) You can finish early without feeling guilty.
4) When you open a book, you don't have to worry who else has opened that book.
5) A little coffee and you can do it all night.
6) If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain the reputation of "book teaser".
7) You can do it, watch tv, and scarf popcorn all at the same time.
8) You won't mind if your parents interrupt you in the middle of it.
9) You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
10) If you're not sure what you are doing, you can ask your roommate for help.
Q: How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
Ways to confuse your Professor:
1) Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle,
yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act
like nothing happened. Do this every day.
2) Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
3) Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.
4) Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN..."
5) Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
The Ways to Grade the Final Exams:
Dept of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?
Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.
How many students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Does this question give any bonus marks?
You Might Be a Schoolteacher if...
1) You have no time for a life from August to June.
2) You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
3) When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
4) You refer to adults as "boys and girls."
5) You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."
6) You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
7) Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
8) You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
9) You know hundred good reasons for being late.
10) You don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's dad said "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems.
How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live
here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.
Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in
little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear
nametags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called
a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right
now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with
their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in
it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they
can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are
dollars.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody
cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some
of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my
Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot
luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I
wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse
won't let them out.
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The
nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the
cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old
responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your
sister -- then who are they for?"
The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The
cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of
these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of
those things
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The
7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin
swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old
says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and
you say 'ass'.''
The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are
seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her
older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw
hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
The surprised mother reacts
quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his
behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,
''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''
''I don't know,'' the
4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''
A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?''
Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at
least I know that you were thinking.''
The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An
apple!'' The teacher says, ''No Bobby, but at least you you were thinking.''
Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches
long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what
I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know
you were thinking!!''
Two endings
1.
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed,
''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''
''No. You had your chance.''
A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of
water?''
''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there
and spank you.''
''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a
glass or water?''
2.
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed,
''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''
''No. You had a drink before you
went to bed.''
A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of
water?''
''Why are you so thirsty?''
''I'm not, my rooms on fire!''
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars
from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to
see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is only...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey
boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just
laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by,
dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the
boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs
and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him
the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks
like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
A College Student's ABC's Of Drinking
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college
B- Beer: It's what's for dinner
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a
Thursday night party
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually
looks pathetic
E- Emergency: An empty keg, or there is no one over 21 in your
drinking party
F- F**cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts
out
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much
you drank
I- IA: The Klan that really knows how to drink alcohol
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or
staggering home
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving
alcohol
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you
don't know
O- Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're
drinking beer
Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in
the morning - YUCK!
R- Reform: What you promise God you will do while you're puking in
the toilet
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you
were drunk (yeah, right)
T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make
Jello
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelain god
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
(detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend
Z- Zima: Zomething Different
A first grade teacher
in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice
it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush.
Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the
teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a
Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat
and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears.
"My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa
are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed
tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be
like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a
criminal, too, what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd be
Republicans."
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