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COMPUTER & OFFICE RELATED COMEDY
How to solve office conflicts
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of
the Branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the
back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was "using the ATM thing"
C gives you enough rope to hang yourself.
C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.
In C we had to code our own bugs.
In C++ we can inherit them.
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
Genie: "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
Programmer: "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask
for sensible changes."
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks, and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks, and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers, and programs, and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.
And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows?
And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
To err is human; but to really screw things up
requires a computer.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
The president of IBM finds himself in front of the pearly gates.
Saint Peter comes out to greet him, "Welcome to heaven."
The IBM president says, "Thanks, I'm glad to be here, a little surprised, but
glad just the same. However, I'm only going to come in under one condition."
"Oh, what's that?" Saint Peter asks a little surprised.
"You have to guarantee me that Bill Gates is not up here", says the president.
"You don't have to worry about that" says Saint Peter. "There's no way he can
be up here."
The IBM president enters. About a week later he comes running up to Saint
Peter and he is very angry.
"You told me that Bill Gates wasn't up here."
"He's not", says Saint Peter. "What gives you the idea that he is?"
"I was walking around on a street paved with solid gold bricks and saw a huge
marble mansion with a platinum mail box in front with the name 'W. Gates' on
it."
Saint Peter laughs and says "Oh, not to worry. That's God's house. He just
thinks he's Bill Gates."
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
• He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
• SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are
out of the question.
• Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
• Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
• Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
• The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
• He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
• It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
• The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
• He can't stick his head out of Windows Vista.
THE GEORGE W BUSH Virus...(Causes your computer to think it won the election
even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)
THE AL GORE
Virus...(Causes your computer to just keep counting)
THE CLINTON
Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)
THE BOB DOLE
(AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out
of an old
floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your
computer,
then emails your best friends about what it did).
THE RONALD
REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where
it is stored)
Life Before the Computer -
an application was for employment;
a program was a TV show;
a cursor used profanity;
a keyboard was a piano;
memory was something that you lost with age;
a CD was a bank account;
if you had a 3 1/4 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file,
and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
and a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear
nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were
dead!
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