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Hilarious comedy on this page
DOCTOR COMEDY
Doctor: Hello is this #4587?
#4587: Yes that's right, can I help you?
Doctor: I have some bad news and worse news.
#4587: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You only have a two days to live.
#4587: What could be worse then that?!
Doctor: I have been trying to contact you for the past 24 hours.
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."
After Susan gave birth to a baby, her doctor
stood solemnly at her bedside.
"I have something I must tell you about your
baby."
Alarmed, Susan demanded: "What's wrong?"
"Your baby is a
hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male
and female parts."
"Oh my Gosh that's wonderful!" Susan exclaimed.
"You
mean it has a penis and a brain?"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your
father"
The mother
of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and
any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her
to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her
and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Jim and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking
past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered
Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another
patient. Your action displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I
go home?"
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor I
woke up this morning and I keep seeing these squiggly lines" and the doctor
asked, "Have you seen an optician?" and the man replied, "No just these
squiggly lines".
A dentist noticed that his
next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he
decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico
with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand
sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he
thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate
portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Doctor's Office
A 65-year-old man went to his doctor's office to
get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."
The next day the 65-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then her left,
still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out,
and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. Then we tried shutting
it in the door and do you know what? no matter what
we tried, we still couldn't get the jar
open."
Ha Ha - What were you thinking? YAHH
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife
thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this
condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you
so long to come and see me?" asked the Doctor.
The man shrugs his
shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
The doctor said, "Sir, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, & the
pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove
the testicles." Joe was shocked & depressed. He
wondered if he had anything
to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough
to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the
knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first
time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.
He could make a new beginning & live a new life. He
saw a men's clothing
store & thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit."
He entered the shop & told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit." The elderly
tailor eyed him briefly & said, "Let's see...size 44
long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the
business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe
admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment & then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe
&
said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised,
"That's
right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe
tried on the shirt, & it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
shoes?" Joe was on a roll
& said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet &
said, "Let's
see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did
you
know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes
& they fit
perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop &
the salesman asked, "How about some
new underwear?" Joe thought for a second
& said, "Sure." The salesman
stepped back, eyed Joe's waist & said,
"Let's see...size 36 long".
Joe laughed "Ah-ha! I got you! I've worn size 34
regular since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't
wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine & give you one
hell of a headache."
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see his
doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," complains the man.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" inquired the doctor.
The
accountant replied, "That's the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then spend
the next three hours trying to find it!"
A doctor calls his patient on the phone and says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the worse news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?"
The mother says, "It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it!"
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"
The
Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
This one is a bit sick (if you will pardon the pun on doctors)
An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, "I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order."
O’Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room.
To his son who had been waiting, O’Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O’Malley said, "I don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone."
An old country doctor went deep into the woods to deliver a baby. The cabin was so remote that it had no electricity. Upon arriving,
the doctor realized that the laboring mother and her five-year-old child were the only people there.
With no one else to help him, the doctor finally instructed the child to hold a lantern so he could see to deliver the baby.
The child was happy to help, and held the lantern high while the mother pushed. After a little while, the baby was born,
and the doctor held the newborn by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
With the excitement over, the doctor asked the five-year-old for an opinion about the baby.
"Hit him again," the five-year-old said. "He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place."
A couple of "true" stories
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient ten feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient’s follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor." "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see.... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
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