A rabbit and a snake, both blind from birth, happen to meet in the forest one day.  They get to talking and the rabbit asks the snake,

"Would you mind running your hands over my body and tell me what kind of animal I am?  I am too embarassed to ask my sighted friends in case they make fun of me".

"Well I do not have any hands, what ever they are, but I will do what I can", and proceeds to wind his body around the rabbit from one end to the other and then back again.  "Well", said the snake, "you are kind of warm with real soft fur and you have two very long furry things on top".

"WOW", says the rabbit, "I must be a bunny", and he hops around and around in circles and then starts hopping away.

"Wait", calls the snake, "what about me?"

The rabbit hops back and starts running his paws over the snake from one end to the other and the back again.  Then he sits down without saying a word.

"Well?" asks the snake, "what kind of animal am I?"

"I'm not really sure," says the rabbit.  "You're cold and slimy and for the life of me, I can' tell your head from your ass".

The snake thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Wow, I must be a politician".




A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush.  Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.  "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"  Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher.  "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.  The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."  "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans."

Politically incorrect

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this

BIG African American guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the

little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around."

 

One bright day Bill Clinton departed the White House on his morning jog...

Midway through he came across a hooker who was standing on a street- corner. As he jogged by he said "Five dollars!". She answered him "One hundred dollars!" so he kept running.

The same thing happened for several days until one morning Hillary decided to join him. Bill didn't think anything of it until he approached the street-corner with the hooker. He thought, I'll just ignore her and maybe she won't say anything.

As he jogged by the hooker she shouted "See what you get for Five dollars!"

One morning while Bill Clinton was out for his jog an out-of-control car swerved up on the sidewalk and nearly killed him -- except for the three teenagers standing near the curb that reached out and grabbed him and pulled him from harm's way just in the nick of time. Feeling quite appreciative and grateful to the youths Mr. Clinton asked what he could do to repay them for their life-saving deed. The first teenage said what he wanted more than anything was to get into Harvard next fall when he graduates from high school. Clinton said "No problem" and turned to the next kid and asked him what he wanted. He had always wanted to go to Yale and asked Clinton if he could arrange that. Clinton said it was as good as done. Then the third youth spoke up and asked for a plot in Arlington National Cemetery. Clinton said that while it was a very strange request he did indeed have the power to grant it but would only like to know why the kid asked for such a thing. And the teenager replied "Because when my Dad finds out what I just did I'm gonna need it!"

The president of the USA, the presidents wife and their bodyguard were all killed and went to heaven.

The bodyguard was first to be greeted by God and God asked what he did. The bodyguard replied, "I was the bodyguard to the president of the USA and he looked after the president and saved his life twice". God replied that he could sit on His left. Next the President was greeted by God and he was asked what he did. "I was the President of the USA" he replied. God said that he could sit on His right.

Next the presidents wife was greeted by God but before He could speak she said, "I believe you are sitting in my seat".

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.