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STUPID PEOPLE & ANIMALS COMEDY
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating
ants, the
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl
and should be fine, the
mother says, I just gave him some ant
killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in
to emergency!
Forest Gump Goes to Heaven
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes
to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.
Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and
Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good
to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up
fast, and we've been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but
you have to pass it before you can get into
Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St.
Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any
entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard;
life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the
test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the
letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He
returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves
him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two
days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks,
that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow The
Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest,
that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a
point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give
you credit for that answer. How about the next
one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk
and thunk about that and I guess the only answer
can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up
with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve:
January 2nd, February2nd, March 2nd. . . ...."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this, and I see your point,
though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but
I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can
you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated
St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how youcame up
with your answers to my first two questions, but
just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest
replied. "I learnt it from the hymn. . . "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run
Forrest, run."
It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his
cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's
skin and bones, with
big circles under his eyes. His mother says,
"Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like
you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said
masturbate!"
A gas station in "redneck country" was trying to
increase its sales so
the owner put up a sign saying "FREE SEX WITH
FILLUP." Soon Bubba pulled
in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10,
and, if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Bubba guessed 8 and the proprietor said,
"No, but you were close. The number was 7. Sorry,
no free sex this time,
but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter Bubba and his friend, Billy
Ray, pulled in again for
a fill-up, and again Bubba asked for his free sex.
The proprietor explained
the same rules, and asked him to guess the correct
number.
Bubba guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex
this time."
As they were driving away, Bubba said to Billy Ray,
"I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Billy Ray replied, "No tain't, Bubba! It's not
rigged -- my wife
won twice last week."
Three people went to the KGB to join up. During the interviews the head of the KGB said, "We have to find out if you will follow orders
without question." The first one was given a gun and told, "In this room is your wife. You are to take this gun and shoot her dead."
The man takes the gun and goes into the room. After 5 minutes of silence he comes out again and says, "I couldn't do it.
We have been married for twenty good years." The head of the KGB replied, "I am sorry you have failed."
The next entrant was given the gun with the same instructions. He too came out after a few minutes and handed the gun back saying that he
was unable to carry out the orders. The third entrant was a woman. She was given the gun and told her husband was in the room and to go and
shoot him dead. She enters the room and three shots are heard. Then after a few seconds silence there are sounds of a scuffle and then
banging and crashing. After a couple of minutes she comes out panting and in disarray. "What happened?" asked the head of the KGB. "Well,"
she replied, "someone filled the gun with blanks so I had to beat him to death!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog:
“There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog replied, “But,that would make no sense at all.”
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out stupid burning ducks.
A tortoise was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
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